In New Poll on Ethics, Public Ranks Congress Lower Than Pirates
In a troubling omen for the upcoming midterm elections, a new poll on ethics released today indicates that the public for the first time ranks congressmen lower than pirates, says The Borowitz Report.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, asked likely voters to rate one hundred different professions according to their ethics. Congressmen, near the bottom of the list, bested only crack dealers and lawyers.
“Over and over again, pirates received higher marks than congressmen in this survey,” said Crandall Pritchard, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota. “We heard comments like, ‘Sure, pirates make people walk the plank and will slit their throats for a doubloon, but at least they would keep their hands off congressional pages.”
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, under fire of late because of the congressional page scandal, said that the poll showing that pirates are more ethical than congressmen is mush ado about nothing: “I don’t think this reflects the unpopularity of Congress so much as it reflects the surging popularity of pirates.” popularity of pirates.”